Published on November 23, 2022 |
by Randy Weeks
Just as Moses parted the Red Sea so that the Israelites could flee Egypt on dry land, the Mississippi is drying up and people are walking on its river bed. With water levels at their lowest on record, much has been revealed about the treasures that lay beneath the muddy waters. Here are some of the amazing, amazing discoveries…
Diamond Lady Casino is down in 2021. We knew that. But when it became visible again, we learned that about a dozen older adults with intact oxygen tanks were still playing slot machines and smoking cigarettes. They weren’t too happy about being discovered.
A rare fossil of a giant American lion has been found in a previously submerged sandbar. Research found that his diet consisted mostly of elderly people playing on the banks of the Mississippi River. Nine thousand five hundred sixty-three poker chips were also found in the skeleton’s abdomen, along with eighty-seven walking aids and thirty-eight sticks.
An antebellum mansion with two Southern beauties still swinging on the front porch.
The first experimental aircraft designed by the little-known Wrong Brothers.
The lost city of Atlantis.
Seventeen John Deere cotton pickers.
The first box of bottled Coca-Cola, cocaine intact.
Three members of the Corps of Engineers are still trying to build a levee in Greenville.
A cement statue of Jimmy Hoffa. X-rays showed Jimmy was still inside, trying to get out. It was carried far into the Gulf of Mexico where it was sunk again.
The first fried Twinkie.
Twenty-seven thousand Ole Miss Red and Blue single cups. There was no trace of residual alcohol.
Twelve thousand rusty Mississippi state cowbells with clapper removed.
Nine thousand 1960s U-Haul fans en route to Oxford stuffed with Coors beer.
An underwater railway with a steam engine doused over it.
A supplement to the Dead Sea Scrolls called the Dead River College-Ruled Notebook.
A ship carrying three hundred cases of water buffalo cheese, four hundred barrels of French wine, and a case of soggy saltines.
The long-forgotten west end of Beale Street, submerged by the December 16, 1811 New Madrid earthquakes.
Jerry Lee Lewis’ first toy piano, the keys still emitting smoke.
Sixty-three Elvis impersonators are still circling.
Original score for the song “Dixie”, revealing the song’s crude lyrics and confirming his real first name: “Trixie”.
Six petrified beignets from Café du Monde.
A stone tablet with the last five of the fifteen commandments.
A barge of canned Pillsbury biscuits sunk by Ulysses S. Grant during the Siege of Vicksburg, with the first Pillsbury Doughboy still at the helm.
Johnny Weissmuller’s mummified body attempts to swim upstream.
Mabel Batson and Vivian Ruth Shaddinger both crowed the first Miss Mississippi (1924), still walked the runway and fought for the rights to the entire tiera.
Brett Favre’s integrity.
The Bermuda Grass Triangle.
WC Handy plays “The St. Louis Blues”.
Mark Cohn’s discarded lyrics to Stalking in Memphis.
An alien spaceship made out of aluminum foil and duct tape.
Mark Twain, still kvetching.
Seven thousand six hundred two used Civil War-era chamber pots.
A delta jet unsuccessfully dropped in the river in 1999 by pilot “Sully” Sullenberger.
Jeff Buckley’s voice.
An Otterman empire.
Seventy-six trombones and one hundred and ten cornets in parade formation.
A 1942 refrigerator got stuck in a tractor tire. X-rays showed it was filled with Jax beer.
Twelve cotton condoms.
Perhaps the most important discovery was Thomas Crapper’s first flush toilet. The ball valve remained open, resulting in constant flushing and therefore drainage of the Great Mississippi. To date, no one has been brave enough to shake the handle for fear of backwashing.
Oh yes… and last but not least, a partridge in a pear tree.
…and this is the view from The Balcony.
Randy Weeks is a licensed professional counselor, a certified shamanic life coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter and an actor. He now makes Mississippi mudpies that he sells on the dark web. Randy can be reached at [email protected]